12 Things Men Secretly Believe About Pregnant Women

7 – They are beautiful, but for god’s sake don’t tell them that:

Pick the wrong moment, and saying “you’re beautiful” will have the opposite effect. They will angrily list off all the reasons they aren’t beautiful. Don’t get sucked into that argument. Disagreeing will only prolong the squabble.

And agreeing with her reasons for not being beautiful will definitely lead to a night on the couch.

Every woman wants to hear that they are beautiful, but how you say it can make or break your day, week, or the rest of your life.

Saying something like “You look gorgeous” is usually a fairly safe bet, but catch her in a bad mood (it’s the hormones, not her), and you could end up sleeping on the couch after a tear-filled lecture on how you’re always trying to have sex with her, you only love her for her body, she looks like a whale, or God knows what else!

Saying something like “You look pretty today” (notice the modifier today) could be just as bad. “What, you think I’m only pretty today? So I’m not always pretty?” Trust me, there is no safe way to answer the question “Do you think I’m beautiful?” Chances are, she’s going to start listing everything that isn’t pretty now that she’s pregnant.

DO NOT get sucked into that black hole of suffering and misery!

8 – They want sex – all the time:

Confusing, no? This one is more a rumor than a fact. But it seems to be a belief among some factions of men that pregnant women are hormonally-inclined to want sex all the time – especially in the later stages when the ‘act’ is at the most awkward.

If you are one of those men lucky enough to have a wife whose sex drive is boosted during pregnancy, prepare for some confusing sexual experiences! She’ll go from concerned mother to naughty bedroom temptress back to expecting mother in the space of a few heartbeats. You can expect some slightly awkward sex as you try to maneuver around the massive baby bump.

Under no circumstances are you to reject her advances. Remember that the sex drive boost is the result of her raging hormones, and those hormones can turn from “horny” to “angry” in no time. Her sex drive may rise for a few weeks as her hormones are out of whack, but you’ll find that things will stabilize quickly–or, at the very latest, once the baby is a few months old.

9 – They never want sex again:

This one is sometimes true. It is a well-known fact that pregnant women often have lower sex drives during pregnancy. Not only that, sex during a pregnancy can actually be painful. Plus, there’s always the worry that your “happy adult fun bedroom time” will hurt the baby.

Just remember: sex is what got you here in the first place. If she can’t have sex with you, console yourself that this too shall pass. Nine months until delivery, then 40 days until it’s safe to have sex again.

Of course, this is, in itself, a ticking time bomb. If you back off too much in an effort to not pressure her, she may think that you don’t find her attractive. It’s all but impossible for you to find the perfect balance between making her feel that you want sex and accepting that you’re probably not going to have it, but it’s your job to try!

10 – They be crazy:

Pregnant women’s hormones make ‘em nuts!

Everyone knows that pregnant women are moody–it’s just their hormones acting out! There are hormonal changes in their bodies, and those changing hormonal levels are affecting their brain chemistry. Neurotransmitters that once made them happy are now sent to the part of the brain that causes the weeping, anger, and paranoia.

Every woman responds to the hormonal changes differently. Some experience heightened emotions–good and bad both–while others tend to be more depressed and anxious. The worst time for moodiness is usually between Weeks 6 and 10. The second trimester will usually be a bit easier, and then the mood swings will hit hard again in the final weeks leading up to the pregnancy.

Walk softly when you are around them – they could strike at any moment. Get them their weird food and walk away. Avoid eye contact. Avoid talking about the outside world. If they cry, don’t tell them everything is alright. They hate that. And if they’re happy, don’t ask why. It’s not their fault that they’re crazy!

11 – They hate us:

at least they will. At some point, you are going to be the one‘responsible’ for your pregnant partner’s pain – the puking, odd cravings, destroying their body, and putting this monster inside them. It’s all you. And please don’t try to argue (see #1). Just take it – you did this to her!

In every single movie and TV show where a mother is giving birth to her new baby, you’ll hear her scream obscenities at the father. Nine times out of ten, they will include something along the lines of “this is all your fault!”

Truth is, you had 50% of the responsibility for the creation of the baby, but prepare to take 100% of the blame! Her hormones are going crazy, and she can’t direct her anger at her body or the little bundle of joy inside her. There’s only one other person crazy enough to stand that close to a pregnant woman in the middle of childbirth: you.

She doesn’t actually hate you, but boy is she in a whole world of hurt as she goes through childbirth! Take your punishment like the man you are, and let her yell at you or squeeze your hand until your fingers break. When she finally gives birth and holds the little one in her arms, you’re going to be the “wonderful man who helped her bring this marvelous creation to life”.

12 – They be scary monsters:

Be afraid. You are experiencing the plot of a horror movie. Something is growing inside your lovely lady – something that won’t stop growing till it forever changes your life.

The pregnant are possessed – by evil thoughts, cravings, and hormones. They are also irrational ego-monsters – get them what they want so they won’t kill you your sleep!

Men fear very little in life! Perhaps commitment, failure, and vasectomies are the only three things that the average man will admit to being afraid of, but there is a fourth monster that can send a shiver of fear down every man’s spine: their pregnant wife.

Nothing sends terror through a man’s heart like their wife saying “You don’t love me/think I’m pretty because I’m fat/pregnant.” Few men are prepared for the horrifyingly unique cravings their wives will suddenly come up with deep in the night when ALL of the stores are closed, and yet the woman has to have that “oyster chocolate peanut butter orange shake” RIGHT NOW OR ELSE EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE HORRIBLE!”

Yes, men are correct to be scared of their wives during this time of their life. Just buck up and huddle under those covers, whispering to yourself “I will get through this alive.”

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