Men can be clueless when it comes to pregnant women. It’s just not something we have any first-hand knowledge of. Pregnancy is a second-hand, hold-your-purse type experience for even the most baby-friendly man.
Still, a few of us veteran dads have gleaned a few things over the years when it comes to pregnant women – how they tick, what to do around them and, mostly, what not to do.
A pregnant woman can be a minefield of contradictions that only the most cautious male can negotiate without blowing himself to smithereens. Metaphorically of course. Though, I have heard stories.
Needless to say, these 12 beliefs when it comes to pregnant women are for male eyes only. Get caught with this by your partner and you are on your own, buddy:
1 – They were right – always:
No, pregnant women are not always right, but if you value certain parts of your body unique to male anatomy, it’s usually best to agree with what she says.
Pregnancy can turn a petite 45-pound porcelain doll girl into a 70-pound hormone monster who has no problem ripping you a new one because you think that “iceberg lettuce is better than Romaine lettuce“. Even if she is the single most wrong person in the entire world at that point, it’s almost always best for you to say “Yes, dear, you are absolutely correct!” It will save your life every time and will be a good habit to form for the rest of your marriage.
The culmination of all these pregnant women beliefs is this one undeniable truth. Once you assume the pregnant woman is always correct no matter what, your life will be much, much simpler. Gone is the need to debate or even question anything. You are at peace. But be warned – acceptance of their all-knowingness might strike them as uncaring, or indifferent which, as we’ve noted repeatedly, can be worse than disagreeing with them. Tread carefully. Sometimes the best solution is to run….
2 – Those big pregnancy boobs are for looking at – not touching or even commenting on:
They’re beautiful and big and bouncy, but apparently, they are sensitive and sore and she has eyes. Why aren’t you looking at her eyes, you insensitive, pig-man?
You have no idea how sensitive those bad boys are now that they are growing. It’s the mammary glands inside the boobs that are growing, not just the fat beneath the skin. This means that her breasts are going to be very tender. God forbid you go anywhere near her nipples!
They may be the most wondrous things you have seen since Avatar 3D, but unfortunately, they are very much “look, don’t touch“. Of course, you can’t ignore them completely, as she may take that a bit personally. Once again, you must walk the razor-thin line between being a pig who only thinks about sex (with those things looking as good as they do, who can help it?) and an insensitive jerk who doesn’t find her attractive now that she is (her words), “as big as a whale”. God have mercy on your soul!
3 – They want weird food – and they want it now:
You have no idea just how weird their cravings can be. Worse still, they usually don’t even like the food that they are craving, but they just know that they have to have it now or else someone is going to get hurt real bad. Hint: it’s not going to be them!
You are never going to have enough food in your fridge, so make sure your car always has gas and your GPS has a route to the nearest 24-hour convenience store or supermarket. Ice cream is one of those foods to always have in the freezer, but you never know what she’s going to want you to run out and get her.
The truth is that science still doesn’t understand why women crave foods so strongly when they are pregnant. It could have something to do with hormones, but whatever the reason, prepare yourself for some uber-strange combos!
4 – They be dumb:
You may think this, but for God’s sake and the sake of your poor, unused testes, DO NOT say it out loud!
There is something called “Baby Brain“, where a woman’s body and mind are focused entirely on the pregnancy and childbirth–to the point that they become forgetful during the final stages of pregnancy, in childbirth, and for the first few months of being a mother.
There are no studies to prove that this is anything more than a myth, but some studies have discovered that women’s memory tends to be impaired during and immediately after a pregnancy. This may be caused by hormones, stress, changes in her body, or sleep deprivation. But, truth be told, there is no proof to this, so don’t under ANY circumstances let her know what you are thinking.
5 – Sex will hurt the baby:
A medical fallacy, but there does seem to be some sort of urban legend logic to it that may pop into your head at all the wrong sexual moments. Fight it, but don’t be surprised if the thought persists. Yet don’t try and use this irrational idea as a reason for no sex (See #10). It will just make things worse.
Sex may be off the table for much of the pregnancy, but women usually get pretty horny in the final trimester (it’s all those raging hormones again). If they want you to have sex with them, you’re probably going to be holding back for fear of hurting the baby.
Deep penetration (her on top) is probably off the table later in the pregnancy, but it’s not for fear of poking the baby with your “love muscle“. Instead, you run a risk of hurting your wife. Remember, everything inside her has shifted around to accommodate the baby, so her “runway” may be a bit shorter and tighter than it used to be. Positions, where you are resting your weight on her belly, are also a no-no, as you may crush the baby.
There are a few instances when you should abstain from having sex. If you have any of the following your doctor will usually tell you to have a dry spell:
– Placenta previa
– A dilated cervix
– An outbreak of genital herpes or feel one coming on— in you or her
– Premature labor
– Cervical insufficiency
– Ruptured membranes (her water has broken)
– Unexplained vaginal bleeding or abnormal discharge
– Other sexually transmitted infections
6 – They will never let you leave the house again:
This much is not quite true, butGod forbid you ever try to leave the house when she wants you to stay!
Pregnant women often have designs for your time–taking them to the baby clothing store, massaging their feet, or sitting and watching TV with them. If she has something she thinks you should do, that will be the single most important thing in your life. If it isn’t, she’s going to give you an earful as to why it should be!
You may have to swear off going out with your buddies or having Poker Night until the little one is born. Unless she is the single coolest pregnant woman in the world, you’re going to have very few moments to yourself–much less out of the house!
Forget going out with the buddies or a drink after work. She’s pregnant, so why should you have any fun? She needs you to suffer with her and share every painful, gross and scary moment.
Don’t you dare have fun – or admit to having fun – without her? Guilt is your new reality.